Day Whatever - I guess this is my pattern

I'm a strong starter...

At least rather than completely abandoning the blog, which would be typical for me, I've come back to face my shame. In more ways than one. I've been that way with diets, too. I've started dozens of times, it's always easy in the beginning, but it's hard to stay with it.

I've really received a wake-up call, however, in terms of my health. My blood pressure, to be exact. On Thursday, September 22nd, I returned from watching Leland's soccer game to glance at myself in the mirror only to be shocked that the inner half of my left eye was blood red. Literally. I had burst a blood vessel in my eye. Not knowing whether this was something serious, I visited the handy-dandy Internet to do some research. Most every site said that such an occurrence was most often nothing to worry about and that it would clear up on its own in time. However, they all said that it could be related to blood pressure.

So I pulled out my blood pressure monitor (yes, I have one from years ago, but that's another story). The batteries were still working, so I put on the cuff. 160/91. Yikes. Not good. I decided to go to the doctor on Friday, where my pressure was lower, 132/78, but not in the "normal" range.

Per doctor's orders, I'm keeping a daily log of my blood pressure readings for a month, and I have to have some blood work (cholesterol will likely be an issue, I'm sure) before I go back to the doctor on October 21st. It's been an interesting exercise. One which I began with my customary enthusiasm and rigor. Writing down my readings (3 to 4 a day), what I was doing, what I ate, etc. Now, 12 days into it, my vigilance is waning. But I'm still at it.

The stressor that seems to consistently raise my anxiety and thus my blood pressure is no big surprise: work. Work is...out of control. I took on responsibility for the marketing department, including one staff member (there were two, but when she quit just prior to my taking over the department, I wasn't allowed to fill the position). Then I was tasked to develop and implement the marketing strategy for an entirely new business unit, which is staffed by anxious people, afraid for their jobs, inexperienced at marketing and just downright rude. I still have my previous, demanding full-time job to create, maintain and administer education courses for architects and engineers. And I happen to be in the middle of a huge IT project to develop and launch "Phase 2" of our online Learning Management System that serves over 7,500 firms and 17,000 individuals. I'm producing a 13 chapter update to our flagship Contract Guide, due in October. Oh, and did I mention that our corporate parent chose this time to go through a complete rebranding: new look, new logo, new feel, new voice, new message. The means that every piece of educational and marketing materials have to be updated. website, LMS, collateral sheets, ads, case studies, courses, textbooks. Oh, by the way, I'm also the facilities manager at my office, so that means dealing with updated signage, lobby and conference room logo art and stationery.

Even all that wouldn't be so bad. But in the midst of all of this barely controlled chaos, there are a few maverick colleagues who are making my worklife unbearable. One is a tyrant who shovels work on other people and departments with malicious glee, who is also ungrateful and disapproving and who magnificently plays the role of martyr. No one seems to be able to rein this individual in. Though this person negatively impacts numerous individuals in the company, this person forges ahead, leaving people in the wake with no apparent consequences.. Another is a person in search of a job to do, grasping at straws including projects in my department. I was forced to accept this person's help, which I had to meticulously document as inadequate in order to discontinue being the recipient of such assistance. Further I had to do the job of this person's manager and provide feedback and coaching. The third is a person who is just plain incompetent. With a "go to the freezer get the box" mentality (you have to recall the Round Table Pizza commercial from a decade or so ago to get that one), this person simply takes in requests for help, project, information, whatever, and passes them on to the person who actually does the work. There is no follow up to make sure that something got done. There is very little direct work that anyone can see, especially as this person is frequently out of the office and not on email. Staff routinely goes around this person to reach out to the actual person doing the work. What value do these headcounts provide to the company?

Meanwhile, I'm drowning in work, emergencies, drop-and-dos, and I need help. When I asked for help, I was graciously given the person in search of a job. Unfortunately, it just resulted in more work for me with no usable results. It was as if I was a person in a rowboat with a hole in it. And I'm bailing water as fast as I can with my hands. I ask for a bucket, and instead am offered an air conditioning unit. Which served no purpose in my boat other than to make it heavier. So now I'm bailing twice as fast with my hands and still sinking.

I've been at this job for 15 years, and this is the first time that I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know how I can keep up the pace.

And now my body is reacting to the strain. Blood pressure high. Left shoulder acting up again (pain and reduced range of motion). Back and neck muscles in knots that will take numerous massages to work out.

Well, this won't be solved today, and I need to get to work.

Heavy sigh.

Day 3 - What happened to Day 2? Need I say more?

Typical. I'm a good starter.But somewhere along the line I lose momentum.

I wrote the 'Day 1' blog entry, tracked one meal on WeightWatchers.com, and that was it.

So here I am on Day 3. Heavy sigh.

There is just too much going on in my life right now. (Dear Reader: Warning: I'm about to start a pity party. So if you don't want to come, please feel free to come back tomorrow.)

Soccer Practice. Soccer Games. Water Polo. Water Polo Games. Marching Band. Pep Band. Concert Band. Choir. Football Games. Football Concession Volunteering. Airshow Fundraisers. Boy Scouts. Girl Scouts. Salinas High Music Association. Church.

And let's not forget about that big sucking sound in my day: Work. Rebranding. Testing and launching a major upgrade to my Learning Management System. Writing new user guides. Creating new video tutorials. Setting up a whole new site for our Canada operation. Yes, a UK site, too. Creating eLearning modules. Editing Contract Guide chapters. Editing UK Contract Guide chapters. Publishing an update to the U.S. Contract Guide. Budgeting for 2012. Creating a marketing plan for 2012. Online advertising. Eblasts. White papers. Oh, and while I'm at it, create a marketing strategy for a whole new group.

So I get it. It's no wonder I don't have time to think, plan or act when it comes to my diet, exercise and health. But something keeps niggling at the back of my mind...trying to be heard through all of the chaos of my family and professional to-do lists. And it's persistent. It keeps saying: But if you take care of your weight and health, the rest of it won't be so difficult.

I'm trying to listen. I really am.

Day 1 - Clothes Shopping Hangover

Clothes shopping. Two words that can strike fear into the heart of a women.

I went shopping with a friend yesterday. We're trying to get ready for some upcoming business travel. She did great. I did...well, let's just say my experience led me here to start a blog about it.

I wore my trusty Spanx (a much more fun and hip word than "girdle" don't you think?) and headed out in hopeful anticipation. Three stores, four fitting rooms and five hours later, my optimistic mood had all but evaporated.

We started with bras--what a debacle. Arm pit fat. Blech. Moving on. Chico's: home of Travelers stretchy fabric. Yes, it fit and was comfortable. But looking in the mirror was painful. The nice long (and I hoped slimming) jacket just made me look short and dumpy. Have I shrunk? I didn't think that was supposed to happen for years yet. Moving on. Shoe shopping at Macy's. I thought "this ought to be good." But squeezing my big feet into these pretty shoes just made the shoes look bad! Then it was upstairs for more clothes. I only tried on two things: a wrap shirt and a dress. The shirt was okay; it's style did camouflage some of my trouble areas. But the empire style dress just made me look pregnant. And worst of all was the three-way mirror where I could see every bump and roll. Seeing myself from the back was particularly appalling. So much for the Spanx.

Having had mildly similar experiences in dressing rooms in the past, I was shocked at my initial response. In the past, such experiences had proven to be wake-up calls, epiphanies. Must get back to Weight Watchers. Need to start walking at lunch again. Motivating calls to action. Must. Fix. This . Situation. Now!

Yesterday's response was one of resignation. I looked at myself from the front, side and back, and all I could think was: Might as well go to See's Candy.

But last night I dreamed of this: to join my desire to write with my journey to health. And here I am.